Chaotic until Further Notice
More than a year since I last wrote in this medium. Not gonna lie, it’s hard to stay consistent, let alone writing a long-ass piece of entry that no one will ever bother to read.
But I think this is the only way I can describe my personality, which is always ever-changing depending on the language I use. If you are a long time reader in this platform, you’ll find my entry about different personalities in speaking different languages. It’s written in Bahasa Indonesia, though, but I think the majority of my connections here are Indonesian, so I shouldn’t worry too much about it. (Yeah, Ibi, why? This is just a challenge basically from a colleague on twitter. You can find his blog here)
I used to publicly put my thoughts — even raw ones — almost daily throughout my various social media accounts, just because everybody was doing it as well, all the time. So I thought that’s the only way to get noticed or at least to be in the same pool with everyone, hoping to not being left out by the ever-changing dynamic of social life, especially in Indonesia.
The fact that I am a little bit more reserved now maybe has to do with the age as well. I am 26 years-old and I don’t think I could get back to that moment, when being chaotic was still considered normal, because, you are still young. The only unfair advantage that everybody had in their 20s, as many believe in.
Through podcast, I can actually put aside some of my insecurities and try to learn about myself as much as possible. I used to hate my voice, so much that I always deleted my recordings right after posting it to the podcast platform. The same treatment can be applied when my photo was taken. I don’t feel confident enough to even take a selfie, just because I don’t think I feel that great about myself.
Writing in this medium has been a journey of self-healing and maybe a cure to my homesickness, especially during the internship days, where I suddenly had to live in a different environment and different city, where, albeit it’s nice in the summer, it is a frozen hell in winter. Thus, the homesick worsened and I suddenly ran into this, just for communicating how I felt in that moment.
It’s always a difficult task to translate your thoughts to make people understand what you really mean. Humans basically have that in the form of speaking, but not many actually can convey or even decipher the underlying meaning of the respective person’s train of thoughts, though.
Or maybe because sometimes I still am a pain in the ass for some people. I don’t know. But then I realise, it’s a long process to improve myself day-to-day. I am learning to understand and to respect everyone’s thoughts and expressions. I try to accept the fact that everything has its own pace. Hopefully this piece can at least give you the bigger picture of my personality. I am sure some of you can analyse me from this one.
-SR
